First Some Jokes...
If you have a joke you would like to submit, please send it to reunion@blairhs54.com.
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A doctor on his morning walk noticed an older lady sitting on her front step smoking
a cigar. He walked up to her and said "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?" "I smoke ten cigars a day", she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. I drink a bottle of Jack Daniels every week and eat only junk food. On weekends I pop pills, get laid and never exercise". "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" the doctor asked. "Thirty-four" she replied. |
How to Call the Police When You're Old
and Don't Move Fast Anymore
| One night an elderly man was on his way up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. He opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" |
| He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me." |
| Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." |
| He said, "Okay", hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. |
| "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them", and he hung up. |
| Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. |
| One of the Policemen said to the gentleman, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" |
| He responded, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" |
Just in case you weren't feeling too old today...
| The people who started college this fall were born in 1990 | ||
| They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up | ||
| Their lifetime has always included AIDS | ||
| The CD was introduced three years before they were born | ||
| They have always had cable | ||
| Jay Leno has always been on The Tonight Show | ||
| They typically don't think about Jaws when they swim in the ocean | ||
| They don't know who Mork was or where he was from | ||
They have probably never heard the phrases:
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| McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers | ||
| They have never used a typewriter |
Pumping Rust
| You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. | ||
| I was thinking about how cell phones are such a status symbol today Everyone has one clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think | ||
| I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans! | ||
| I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.' | ||
| I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust' |
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| I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers! | ||
| I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals | ||
| As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve. |
How DID We Survive?
| My Mom would cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach. I don't recall any of us getting food poisoning. | ||
| My Mom defrosted hamburger on the counter AND sometimes I ate it raw. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper and placed in a brown paper bag, not in ice-pack coolers, but I don't recall hearing about e.coli outbreaks. | ||
| Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then. | ||
| The term cell phone would have conjured up the image of a phone in a jail cell. A pager was the school PA system. |
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| We all took gym, not PE. We risked permanent injury by wearing high top Keds (only worn in gym) There were no cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any serious injuries, but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. | ||
| Flunking gym was never given a second thought. Even the most intellectually challenged students knew they would pass gym! I guess PE must be much harder than gym. | ||
| When we were in school we all sang the national anthem. Staying after school in detention resulted in all sorts of negative attention. Our psyches must have been horribly damaged by this. | ||
| What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything. | ||
| Speaking of archaic, most of us were under the impression that we were supposed to accomplish something before receiving an award and indulging in self-pride. | ||
| I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. | ||
| Oh yeah .. and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it posed a threat to innocent children. | ||
| We didn't act up at the neighbor's house because if we did, we got our butt spanked there and then we got butt spanked again when we got home. | ||
| I recall the kid from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front step, just before he fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck, sheer madness I tell you. | ||
| Unbelievable as it may seem, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. We had no idea that we were all in desperate need of group therapy, psychotropic medication, and anger management classes. Apparently we were so confounded by the numerous societal ills we faced every day that we never noticed the profound absence of Prozac in our communities!How did we ever survive? | ||
MUCH LOVE TO ALL OF THOSE WHO SHARED THIS ERA!
TO ALL OF THOSE WHO DIDN'T, YOU HAVE OUR DEEPEST SYMPATHY.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING.
Oh We've Got a Million of Them...
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Question 1: Where can men over the age of 50 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
Answer: Try a bookstore-------under fiction.
Question 2: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
Answer: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Question 3: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
Answer: Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .'
Question 4: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
Answer: Tell him you're pregnant.
Question 5: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly-----wrinkles?
Answer: Take off your glasses.
Question 6: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
Answer: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.
Question 7: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
Answer: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Question 8: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short-term memory storage?
Answer: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Question 9: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
Answer: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Question 10: Where should 50+ year olds look for eye glasses?
Answer: On their foreheads.
Question 11: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
Answer: 'Gosh, I remember these!'
But Wait There's More...
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Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I don't look that old"?
Well if you have, you'll love this one: My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room preparing for my first appointment with a new dentist when I noticed his DDS Diploma, which bore his full name.Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him however I quickly discarded this thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my class mate. After he examined my teeth (just for kicks) I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. 'Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang,' He said, gleaming with pride. 'When did you graduate?' I asked. He answered, 'In 1975. Why do you ask?' 'You were in my class!', I exclaimed He looked at me closely, and then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, grey-haired, decrepit son of a bitch asked me 'What did you teach?' |
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A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. 'You grew up in a different world' the student said. 'Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers...' Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, 'You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?' Touché |
| Go to the Cartoon/Funnies Page | Return to Reunion Home Page | Some Things We Can Look Forward To... | ||
| A Tribute to the Humor of Bob Hope | Proper Reunion Attire | Mother Goose for Older People |